Мотивационное письмо

[PartORG]

Добрый день,
Очень нужна помощь по мотивационному письму. Я его написала на английском,тк французский знаю не на таком отличном уровне. Написала его в посольство Франции на студенческую визу,но не уверена что оно убедительно показывает мою мотивацию.Пожалуйста, прочитайте и пишите что не так.


Dear Sir/Madam,

I graduated from Dnepropetrovsk National University with a Master Degree in Journalism, majoring in Publishing Business and Editing. I would like to continue my education in France, particularly at Ecole de Management de Normandie, Deauville. A specialty MSc International Events Management would give me a good opportunity to develop my career. Further in this letter, I will present my academic achievements and motivation to continue my studies in France.
At the university I was an active participant of students' association. From the third year of studies, I worked in a variety of mass media (newspapers, national TV channels, and magazines). My main work was connected with people and communications. My profile specialization in the newspaper was tourism and local events. At the national channel I got the experience of working with Ukrainian and world celebrities. In addition to this, I obtained practical training on a popular TV-show «So you think you can dance», the Ukrainian version. Finally, working in Automobile Magazine, I made research about a variety of international automobile exhibitions and conferences held in Ukraine. Besides my vast experience in the media, I have also organized trainings and workshops with the trainers of leadership and psychology from Ukraine and Russia.
The experience I gained makes me realize that most of the international activities in Ukraine have a very low level of organization. Tourism sector and event management is a very young domain for my country. I believe that Ukraine possesses a powerful potential for the development of the event-management and tourism sphere. But there are no leaders and managers who are focused on European standards, who have big international experience and who are capable of managing an event from its conception to its completion from both marketing and operational viewpoints.
I would like to change this situation. My aim is to work in an international company related to the event management and tourism, that will be supported by a strong European traditions of the event management and can help Ukraine take a place among leaders of tourism business.
To realize this goal I need to obtain a Master's Degree in International Events Management. Having this knowledge will allow me to better understand management principles. With all the uncertainty and changes in the world of politics and economy, I believe that management must have a solid understanding, supported by a strong academic foundation of how to guide companies through these challenging times.
A well-known University of Deauville has many relations with schools from all over the world. Seaside city Deauville is a popular tourist center of France. It gives the opportunity for better understanding of the realities of life of the French tourism industry.
The specialty MSc International Events Management is the perfect complement to my education, because it provides an advanced study of diverse subjects such as Project Management for International Events, International Events Partnerships, Sponsorship and Fundraising and Innovation, Creativity and Entrepreneurship. This knowledge will give me advantages in the competitive area of event service; as well as will show me innovations and developments in this area.
The staff of university gives a great attractiveness to the MSc International Events Management specialty. All professors are highly qualified specialists, who participate in international conferences (such as The Georges Doriot Conference and European Conference on High Reliability Organizations) and have international partnership with a wide range of universities and organizations around the world. Professionals from Australia, England (University of Brigston) and Canada will be able to share their international experience in event management during the education process.
No education is complete without experience. The emphasis on the practical side of education of the specialty MSc International Events Management is a significant benefit. The curriculum includes two residential seminars in Paris and Las Vegas. This is a unique opportunity to meet and learn from the real professionals, who work in successful event companies. Such opportunity is not a part of Ukrainian educational system.
Obtaining a double degree is another plus of study in Deauville: MSc International Events Management (Ecole de Management de Normandie) and Master of Arts (MA) International Events Management (University of Brighton).
After obtaining this education, I want to share the experience of European business with Ukrainian specialists at the government level. Understanding the realities of France and Ukraine will give me the ability to create strong cultural and business relations between France and Ukraine, and improve the image of France as a leader of a tourist industry in Europe. Ukraine needs open-minded managers for the open worlds of today. And I believe that I can become one of those leaders who can quickly and efficiently navigate in the changing society and offer new solutions to the problems of event business.
My future work will be related to the international event management and consequently will require a high level of European education. Therefore, I am very motivated to study in Ecole de Management de Normandie in order to extend my knowledge and to succeed in my career in the field of event management.
I look forward to hearing from you.

оно немного длинным получилось.
Жду от вас критики!!
огромное спасибо всем кто ответит)))

[Sandy]

оно немного длинным получилось.

Вы правы: очень длинным. Письмо должно быть не более одной страницы А4.

<well-known University of Deauville> - это уже слишком, даже не смешно.

Сокращайте. Кроме того, вы уверены, что в посольстве будут читать все это на английском? Уж лучше написать коротко, но по-французски, чтобы быть уверенным в том, что прочттут, и что это будет полезно, а не вредно для вашего досье.